Notes by Christopher Lay

Pierce College

Department Philosophy & Sociology

Generic Margin Comments

(Please note that some of the comments only apply to some of the courses I teach.)

Comment on Comments

Please note that the comments you are about to read focus primarily on the weak spots that I found in your essay. At bottom, all of the comments I write aim at helping you improve as a writer of philosophy texts. Some of the comments apply to your grade. The comments that apply to your grade usually have to do with things like the accuracy of your claims, the depth of your explanations or the strength of your argument. Some of the comments do not apply to your grade. The comments that don't apply to your grade usually have to do with spelling or grammatical mistakes. There may strengths in your essay that I have not commented so that I could focus in on helping you improve the weak spots. Finally, please note that the number of comments does not correspond to either a good or a bad grade.

Good Start

Excellent, straight-to-the-point beginning.

Not Enough Space for Broad Claims

I am not sure you'll have space in this essay for such a broad claim. When space is so limited, as it is in this essay, you need to get straight to the point, and stick with it. "According to ... " is a fine way to start off an essay turned in to me. From the They Say, I Say composition textbook: "The point is to give your readers a quick preview of what is motivating your argument ... ."

Apostrophes General

You have an apostrophe issue here. Consult this website to get clear on when to use, and when not to use, apostrophes

http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/apostro.asp .

Apostrophes Possessive End Spelling

You have an apostrophe issue here. Consult this website to get clear on when to use, and when not to use, apostrophes

http://data.grammarbook.com/blog/apostrophes/apostrophes-with-names-ending-in-s-ch-or-z/ .

Comma

Consult the following comma rules: http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/commas.asp .

Capitalization

Consult the following capitalization rules: http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/capital.asp

Distractions

(I am going to try not to give any further comments on spelling/grammarz so I can focus in on the substance of your essay. You need to work on fixing your spelling/grammatical errors even though I will try not to comment on them.)

Saying "I"

It is best, at least for essays turned in to me, to start off with what "They Say." This means that you should reserve self-referential language in your introduction for when you present what you will say. I (really) encourage the use of "I" when introducing your argument, but I discourage the use of "I" in your introduction before then. "According to ... " is a fine way to start off an essay turned in to me.

Show, Don't Say

For a final draft this kind of thing is best left shown and not said. For working drafts you can use this type of language to help you stay on track, but for a final draft you need to show this to your reader instead of telling it to your reader.

Thesis 1st Sentence

In most cases, at least for essays turned in to me, you should introduce your reader to stuff like this before you invoke it in your thesis. In general, anything in your thesis statement needs to be introduced before your thesis statement so that when it comes up in your thesis statement your reader already has an idea about what it means. (Please don't overdo it: before your thesis, supply your reader with the barest amount of information needed to understand your thesis.)

Authors Merely Mentioned in Introduction

Authors deserves more of an introduction than this. Instead of introducing me to the fact that an author will be treated in your essay, introduce me to the narrow part of the author's thoughts that you will engage with in your essay. Here is another way of putting it: you need to introduce your reader to their ideas, not introduce your reader to the mere fact that you will explain them later.

Introductions (Voice of Reason)

From Porter's (2002) Voice of Reason: Fundamentals of Critical Thinking: "In writing an essay, [you] should summarize [your] argument in the introduction and articulate [its] structure so the reader is prepared for [your] exposition." After your introduction, you "can develop the argument in the body of [your] essay, clearly indicating what [you] are arguing for and why [you] are arguing it."

Introductions

From the They Say, I Say composition textbook: "It is generally best to summarize the ideas you're responding to briefly, at the start of your text ... ." "The point is to give your readers a quick preview of what is motivating your argument ... ." You need to summarize the conversation you're entering into, and what you'll have to add, in your introduction.

Here are my thoughts on introductions: other than supplying the reader with the barest amount of information needed to understand the thesis, and other than supplying the reader with the thesis, your first, introductory paragraph should also include what I call a roadmap. A roadmap tells your reader, explicitly, how you will explain and defend your thesis. It is something you say after positing your thesis, and before you begin to explain and defend it. As such, it introduces your reader to how you will support your thesis. And insofar as you support your thesis by considering and responding to an objection, it is sometimes (very often in fact) useful to introduce your reader to the objection you'll consider before concluding.

Introductions with NO Argument Introduced

Where is your thesis? It is essential in an essay like this that your thesis is found in your first paragraph–in your introduction. Also, will you consider an objection? From the They Say, I Say composition textbook: "It is generally best to summarize the ideas you're responding to briefly, at the start of your text ... ." "The point is to give your readers a quick preview of what is motivating your argument ... ." You need to summarize the conversation you're entering into, and what you'll have to add, in your introduction.

Other than supplying the reader with the barest amount of information needed to understand the thesis, and other than supplying the reader with the thesis, your first, introductory paragraph should also include what I call a roadmap. A roadmap tells your reader, explicitly, how you will defend your thesis. A roadmap is something you say after positing your thesis. As such, it introduces your reader to how you will support your thesis. And insofar as you support your thesis by considering and responding to an objection, it is sometimes (very often in fact) useful to introduce your reader to the objection you'll consider before concluding.

Monopolized Introduction

This sounds like you are only introducing your reader to just one part of your essay, as opposed to having an introductory paragraph that introduces your reader to the main parts of your entire essay. From the They Say, I Say composition textbook: "It is generally best to summarize the ideas you're responding to briefly, at the start of your text ... ." "The point is to give your readers a quick preview of what is motivating your argument ... ." You need to summarize the conversation you're entering into, and what you'll have to add, in your introduction.

Introduction Relevance

Ideally, you should introduce this in a way that is more obviously relevant to what you've already introduced, or at minimum more obviously relevant to the prompt. If it is just a "hook" or some vague starter sentence that is not necessary for your essay, consider omitting it. "According to ... " is a fine way to start off an essay turned in to me.

Introduction Detail

The kind of detail you are presenting in your introduction belongs somewhere else in your essay (if in fact it belongs in your essay at all). From the They Say, I Say composition textbook: "It is generally best to summarize the ideas you're responding to briefly, at the start of your text, and to delay detailed elaboration until later." "The point is to give your readers a quick preview of what is motivating your argument, not to drown them in details this early." You need to summarize the conversation you're entering into, and what you'll have to add, in your introduction.

Too Vague for an Introduction

This is too vague for a final draft.

While introductions should be a concise as possible, they should nevertheless be specific. You need to introduce your reader to the specific content, not just mention that the content will be there (on the assumption that it needs to be brought up in your introduction at all).

No Thesis on 1^st Page

Where is your thesis? After having read the first page, I find no thesis. This worries me. In an essay as short as this one, the thesis needs to be up front and explicit. From the They Say, I Say composition textbook: "It is generally best to summarize the ideas you're responding to briefly, at the start of your text, and to delay detailed elaboration until later." "The point is to give your readers a quick preview of what is motivating your argument, not to drown them in details this early." You need to summarize the conversation you're entering into, and what you'll have to add, in your introduction.

Big Thesis

This is too much to argue for in such a short essay. Remember, you'll have to support each of these claims fully. When you have an argument that is too broad in such a short essay, you've taken from yourself the space you need to support one significant argument, which is all that a short essay like this one can do. Consider narrowing your thesis down by showing how it supports or goes against one of the authors in your essay.

Thesis Too Broad

This is too much to argue for in such a short essay because it is too broad–too open ended. When you have an argument that is too broad in such a short essay, you've taken from yourself the space you need to support one significant argument, which is all that a short essay like this one can do.

Argument Detail

I need to know not just what you'll argue, but also how you'll argue. More detail in your thesis, however brief, is needed. Sometimes, the shorter the essay, the more detailed your thesis needs to be. Your thesis statement needs to include evaluative terms to show that it is the conclusion to your argument, and a brief explanation as to why you are making that claim. From Porter's (2002) Voice of Reason: Fundamentals of Critical Thinking "In writing an essay, [you] should summarize [your] argument in the introduction and articulate [its] structure so the reader is prepared for our exposition."

To0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0oo Many Arguments

The prompt requires you to have one argument. One sustained argument will have a clearly explained thesis, and one form of support for that thesis. The support for the thesis needs to be fully explained. Insofar as you have more than one argument, you've painted yourself into a corner, so to speak. By presenting so many small arguments, you've taken from yourself the space you need to fully support one clearly explained thesis, which is all that an essay like this one can do.

To0-----------o0oo Many Supports

Instead of multiple forms of support minimally explained, you should focus in on one form of support so that it can be fully explained. By presenting so many smaller forms of support, you've taken from yourself the space you need to fully present one way of supporting your thesis, which is all that an essay like this one can do.

Not Argumentative

I don't think that your essay was properly argumentative.

Merely Agreeing

Just agreeing with the author does not count as acceptable evaluation, if it does not include something of your own. From the They Say, I Say composition textbook: In agreeing, "it's important to bring something new and fresh to the table, adding something that makes you a valuable participant in the conversation." Such an evaluation doesn't merely repeat what the author writes. Put another way, merely agreeing with someone by supporting them the way they have supported themselves is insufficient. There are many ways to contribute to a conversation by agreeing with what someone else has said, for instance, by "pointing out unnoticed implications or explaining something that needs to be better understood." "You may point out some unnoticed evidence or line of reasoning that supports X's claims that X herself hadn't mentioned."

No Objection Introduced

Will you consider an objection, as the prompt requires? If so it is good to introduce your reader to what that objection is, and how you might reply to it–however briefly.

Naysayer Too Vague

This is too vague for a final draft. You need to introduce your reader to your naysayer's argument, not just introduce your reader to the fact that you will entertain an objection before concluding.

Naysayer Not Explicitly Naysayer

I bet that this is a naysayer's perspective, but only because I've read the prompt. You need to more clearly indicate that this is your naysayer (if it is), and you need to introduce your reader to the fact that you will respond to that naysayer without introducing your reader to your actual response.

No Naysayer Response Needed in INTRO

You don't need to introduce your reader to how you will respond to your naysayer when it is so clear in your introduction that you will respond to it at some point.

No Response Implied

Without introducing what your response to your naysayer will actually be, you need to make it clearer that you will respond to your naysayer it at some point in your essay.

Why Define Terms?

Why are you defining terms at this point in your essay? You should have an answer to that questions written in your essay. Without such an explicit answer, this move comes out of the blue and can be hard for your reader to make sense of.

Unnecessary Definition

Of all the possible words that you could define in this essay, why are defining this one? Is this word so controversial that you have to define it? Is the word used in different ways by different authors in your essay? Without explicit (and correct) answers to questions like those, this move comes out of the blue and can be hard for your reader to make sense of.

Beliefs/Opinions

My job is to evaluate your exposition and argument. Therefore, I can't grade your opinions, beliefs, thoughts or feelings. This doesn't mean that I don't want to hear what you have to say, it only means that I need to hear what you have to say when it is formulated as a presentation of what someone else argues, or a presentation of how you yourself argue. Here is another way of thinking about this point: your job in an argumentative essay like this is to get your reader to agree with this essay's thesis, and your reader's aim is to agree or disagree with this essay's thesis, not to agree or disagree with you because of your opinions, beliefs, thoughts or feelings. This comment of mine has at least two incidental benefits. A) Proceeding this way helps you realize that I am not grading you as a person, but that I am instead grading an argument that you came up with–an argument that you may not subscribe to yourself. B) Following this advice of mine makes it easier for me to both find your essay's thesis and so helps me keep track of your argument.

Fragment

This is a sentence fragment–an incomplete sentence. Consider adding it to the end of the sentence that preceded it. Perhaps you can experiment with drafting sentences on their own lines (not clustered together in a paragraph) so that you can check each one for completeness. Once you see that you have complete sentences you can then cluster them into a paragraph. (Incidentally, doing it this way helps you see whether or not you need to add things between sentences to connect them before you cluster your sentences into a paragraph format.)

Run-Ooooooooooooooooooooon Sentence

This is a run-on sentence; consider dividing into shorter sentences or reformulating the sentence to include appropriate words or punctuation marks that reasonably and effectively connect the multiple clauses contained within the sentence. Perhaps you can experiment and draft each clause of the sentence by itself. If a clause is a complete sentence and does not necessarily have to be contained in the same sentence as the other clauses, then just make it a single sentence and begin a new sentence for the next clause.

Paragraphs

You need to break thoughts up into proper paragraphs. Perhaps you can experiment with drafting sentences on their own lines, not yet clustering them together into paragraphs. Once you see what you've written, then you can then cluster them into their paragraphs. Incidentally, doing things this way helps you see whether or not you need to add things between sentences to connect them before you cluster your sentences into a paragraph format.

Reverse Outline

Consider using a reverse outline (as described in Behrens and Rosen's Sequence for Academic Writing) which can help you ensure unity and development in your essay. While regular outlines are done in advance of a draft, reverse outlines occur after a draft has been crafted. The reverse outline consists of very brief summaries of your thesis, and then of each paragraph that follows it. Then you step back and look at those summaries to see if there should be a different order to your thoughts. This allows you to see the structure of your essay, and assess its coherence and unity.

1st Names

Use authors' first and last names the first time you mention them (excluding the title where you can just use their last name(s)), and then only last names (unless you have multiple authors with the same last name). (This doesn't apply to your essay's title, works cited page, or the bibliography.) If you provide a first name for one author, you should provide first names for all of the authors you mention in your essay.

Citation

Citation? From the prompt: "If you submit someone else's ideas, words, or phrases, cite those individuals according to the conventions of some mainstream guideline, like those set out in the Chicago Manual of Style or the MLA Handbook." In almost all instances where a citation is necessary, failing to provide a citation constitutes plagiarism, so be careful. Go to http://libguides.piercecollege.edu/citation for excellent information on citing.

Exposition without proper focus

This presentation lacks a proper, singular focus [focus] corresponding to the parts you need to explain in light of your thesis and the essay's prompt. Consider what the authors of the They Say, I Say address this point: "Often writers who summarize without regard to their own interests fall prey to what might be called 'list summaries,' summaries that simply inventory the original author's various points but fail to focus those points around any larger overall claim. If you've ever heard a talk in which the points were connected only by words like 'and then,' 'also,' and 'in addition,' you know how such lists can put listeners to sleep ... ." And from corresponding lecture notes of that text: "Often times you will not have space enough to give a summarization of all of what others say." "You'll need to summarize what others say while also focusing in on just those parts of what others say that are relevant to your particular interest."

Define/Explain

You need to define, and then go on to explain, such key notions.

Some contents not properly explained

If something like this deserves to be in your essay, it deserves a full explanation.

This is not properly explained. Don't forget the tips I've provided here: http://www.christopherlay.com/WritingNotes.html . At that webpage, you will find what I call "The Structure." And you'll find a link that will take you to this point "It is worth noting that there is some similarity between philosophy papers and math homework: remember when you were learning how to do division the "long" way and your teacher told you to "show your work?" Well, something similar applies here: you need to show your work. As such, the correct answer is insufficient; you need to show how you came to the correct answer. (This is just another way of saying that you must explain your points.) Put another way: don't assume that your reader knows why you are writing what you are writing, and what your writing means."

Unexplained Uses

If you are going to bring this point up, you need to explain it, however briefly. Without such an explanation, you seem to be assuming that your reader already knows what you need to explain–but that is not a safe assumption.

EG/Unexplained

When using examples/analogies you need to explain which parts of the example/analogy are relevant to the point you are expressing, how the use of the example/analogy proves some point of an argument, and whether or not there are parts of the example/analogy that are not relevant to your argument. Examples and analogies are frequently like quotations. You need to explain them, not just provide them. Outside of essays turned in to me, using multiple examples can be a useful way to fish for someone else's understanding, but in essays turned in to me, the presentation of too many different examples frequently ends up meaning that the (one) example that actually needs to be included doesn't end up getting explained like it needs to be explained.

Example/Original

Please use your own examples (as opposed to examples we've encountered either in our readings or in our classroom discussions). When you use your own example, it shows a higher degree of understanding.

Example Before Argument

Before you give me an example, you should give me the argument or concept that the example is supposed to be an example of so that I know that you understand it.

Evidence Generic

Merely mentioning that there is evidence without explaining what that evidence is, and how it is collected, is not sufficient. You need to fully present and explain this kind of significant evidence.

Good to Bring Up

This is good to bring up, assuming it needs to be in your essay given your thesis.

Unnecessary, relevant or irrelevant content

How is this information necessary and relevant enough to justify including it in your essay? If it is relevant and necessary (and it may very well be), you need to explain (or at least make it more obvious) why it relevant and necessary enough to include. If it is not, then omit it from your essay as I don't think you have the space to give this type of irrelevant/superfluous information. Here's the point: just because something may be correct is not enough of a reason to include it in your essay. Your thesis is the reason something belongs in your essay, and everything you put in your essay must be relevant to getting your reader to understand your thesis and be persuaded to agree with your thesis.

Unsupported Claims

Claims like this need to be supported, not merely asserted. Without supporting your claims, you do not have an argument, and arguments are what I need to see.

Sweeping Generalizations

Such sweeping generalizations are frequently too difficult to prove and so should often times be avoided.

Guarding

This is not accurate enough because it is too strong. You should guard things like this. Consider employing the notion of guarding from Mathew Van Cleave's 2016 Introduction to Logic and Critical Thinking: "[G]uarding involves taking a stronger claim and making it weaker so there is less room to object to the claim." "Guarding involves weakening a claim so that it is easier to make that claim true." "A weak claim is more likely to be true whereas a strong claim is less likely to be true." You "can also guard a claim by introducing a probability clause ... ."

More Specific

This is too vague. While what you've written may be true, because it is so broad it can entail things that might go against something else you've said or will say. You need to be more specific so that your reader has a better understand of what you have in mind.

UNanswered ???????s

If you leave it up to your reader to answer questions like these, you leave it up to your reader to support your point, but only someone who agrees with you already would support your point. For the most part, make sure to answer the questions you raise in your essay, and explain why those are your answers as opposed to other, wrong answers.

Imprecise quote or paraphrase introduction

From the They Say, I Say composition textbook: "In introducing summaries[, quotes or paraphrases], try to avoid [imprecise] formulas like 'he talks about,' 'she says,' or 'they believe.' Though language like this is sometimes serviceable enough, it often fails to reflect accurately what's been said." This is not a point about style, this is a philosophical point. You don't really know what this author thinks or believes, but you do know what this author wrote/argued/asserted/claimed/presented. Likewise, "says" and "states" are frequently just not accurate enough.

LOST

With regards to the structure of your essay, I feel lost.

Segue

You should guide your reader as you move from one topic to another.

Paragraph "Take-Away":

And what is your reader supposed to think as a result of reading this part of your essay? Here is a related thought from the They Say, I Say composition textbook: "The longer and more complicated your text, the greater the chance that readers will forget what ideas originally motivated it–no matter how clearly you lay them out at the outset. At strategic moments throughout your text, we recommend that you include what we call 'return sentences.'" (Make sure not to get carried away as there can be too many of these in a final draft. In an essay of this length, you probably only need to remind your reader of your roadmap two or three times, corresponding to the big moves in your essay.)

Too Many Reminders:

These types of explanation are good to keep in your working drafts, but there are too many of these in your final draft. In an essay of this length, you probably only need to remind your reader of your roadmap two or three times, corresponding to the big moves in your essay.

Quote Frame

From the They Say, I Say composition textbook: "Frame Every Quotation" From what we've seen, quotations require framing. "[P]resent [quotations] in a way that makes their relevance and meaning clear to your readers." Introduce the quotation; "use language that accurately reflects the spirit of the quoted passage." Present the quotation. Explain the quotation; the "follow-up statements should explain why you consider the quotation to be important and what you take it to say."

Quotes

Finding the correct quote can be exhilarating, but putting it into your paper may not be necessary. Finding the quote, and putting it into your paper is easy, but paraphrasing that quote is difficult–but also very rewarding. Most importantly, it shows that you understand the quote. When you must quote, you must also provide your reader with your interpretation of what that quote means (as quotes can mean different things to different people).

Paraphrasing Over Quotes:

Paraphrasing is, in general, better than quoting. Here is a good, general guide for when to paraphrase instead of quoting if you can convey the same information in your own words without loss of meaning, then a paraphrase is usually better. Readers of your paper tend to understand you better than they understand academic articles. When grading your papers, graders need to see that you understand what it is that you are representing. If you can properly paraphrase passages, then it shows your grader that you understand the material better than someone who can only find the correct passage and quote it. And if a paraphrase won't do, whenever you quote, you should also explain the quote to the reader, to help them understand it (and to show your grader that you yourself understand the quote).

For essays turned in to me, quoting is usually necessary when:

1) attributing something controversial to the person quoted,

2) you are pointing out something that is too easily overlooked,

3) your entire thesis depends on particular wording, or

4) there just is no better way of expressing the thought.

(Just because you don't need a quote doesn't mean that you may not need a citation. From the prompt: "If you submit someone else's ideas, words, or phrases, cite those individuals according to the conventions of some mainstream guideline, like those set out in the Chicago Manual of Style or the MLA Handbook." In almost all instances where a citation is necessary, failing to provide a citation constitutes plagiarism, so be careful. Go to http://libguides.piercecollege.edu/citation for excellent information on citing.)

For essays turned in to me, unnecessary quoting occurs, in my mind, when it seems like:

1) you have nothing to say and so are throwing in quotes,

2) you are using long quotes to fluff up your essay, or

3) you are afraid to commit to a paraphrase, when a paraphrase would convey the same information.

Explicit Naysayer

If you have a naysayer and response to your naysayer, you need to make that more obvious (for essays turned in to me at least.) Don't be afraid to be explicit in presenting either of them.

Naysayer?

This sounds like maybe you are considering a naysayer? It would be helpful if you were more explicit about this move.

No Objection/Response

Per the prompt, you need to consider an explicit objection to your argument and then respond to it. Consider putting the objection to your argument in its own paragraph so that you make sure it is fully argued for. Then have your reply in its own paragraph so that you are more likely to have a fully developed response.

Objection Without Argument

Your objection deserves an argument. Consider putting the objection to your argument in its own paragraph so that you make sure it is fully argued for. Then have your reply in its own paragraph so that you are more likely to have a fully developed response.

Objection Without Enough of Argument

Your objection deserves more of an argument. If something as significant as a naysayer belongs in your essay, it deserves a full and robust treatment. You should put the objection to your argument in its own paragraph so that you make sure it is fully argued for. Then have your reply in its own paragraph so that you are more likely to have a fully developed response.

Too Many Objections

You don't really have room to consider more than one objection. Instead of two or more objections half argued for, you should have one objection fully argued for. When you present your reader with a possible objection you want the objection to sound persuasive, and the best way to make it sound persuasive is to provide an argument for why it is a good objection. If something as significant as a naysayer belongs in your essay, it deserves a full and robust treatment. You should put the objection to your argument in its own paragraph so that you make sure it is fully argued for. Then have your reply in its own paragraph so that you are more likely to have a fully developed response.

Conclusions

In your conclusion, you can consider what could possibly be concluded, supposing that your thesis has been defended. Sometimes it is in the conclusion that you show the reader why your thesis is interesting. You can answer the "So What" or "Who Cares" questions as outlined in the They Say, I Say composition textbook. Instead of looking exclusively backwards and reporting on what you've done, look a little forward and explain to your reader how they can think differently if your thesis is in fact correct. The place to say what you do in your essay is the introduction. In your conclusion, you can speculate what further conclusions could be true (or not) if your thesis becomes a premise for a different argument.

Works Cited Consistency

Why only include some authors in your works cited and not others, especially when you cite more than the authors your list on your works cited?

More Comments for Grade

If you would like more comments to help you understand why I assigned your essay this grade, please let me know. If this grade or any of my comments don't make sense–and especially if you disagree with either your grade or any of my comments–let me know.

Draft Meta-Comment

(The above comments were written to help you improve your writing and arguing. I concentrated my comments on what I think are the weakest points in the draft so that you know how to improve it as dramatically as possible. This means that there may be weak spots that I didn't comment upon–so even if you address all that I have commented on there may still be some weak spots in your essay (in my mind). Ultimately, my comments are designed to help you write a better essay, not necessarily to help you turn this draft into a final draft. So, in some instances, you may need to rewrite your essay altogether instead of trying to make micro changes here and there, wherever I have left a comment.)