Notes by Christopher Lay 

Pierce College 

Department of History, Philosophy, and Sociology  

 

 

 

Generic Margin Comments

 

 

 

Missing Title: You need a title and subtitle.  From the They Say, I Say composition textbook: "Essays' vague titles (or no titles) send the message that the writer has simply not bothered to reflect on what he or she is saying and is uninterested in guiding or orienting readers."  "Titles function "rather like carnival barkers telling passersby what they can expect if they go inside." "Subtitles, too often function as metacommentary on a main title, further explaining or elaborating on it." 

 

Inadequate Titles: You need a more descriptive title and subtitle.  From the They Say, I Say composition textbook: Titles function "rather like carnival barkers telling passersby what they can expect if they go inside." "Subtitles, too often function as metacommentary on a main title, further explaining or elaborating on it."  In your subtitle, you should be explicit about 1) what your essay is about, 2) the takes a position, and 3) what that position is.  "Essays' vague titles (or no titles) send the message that the writer has simply not bothered to reflect on what he or she is saying and is uninterested in guiding or orienting readers." 

 

Subtitles Only:  You need a more descriptive subtitle.  In your subtitle, you should be explicit about 1) what your essay is about, 2) the takes a position, and 3) what that position is.  From the They Say, I Say composition textbook: Titles function "rather like carnival barkers telling passersby what they can expect if they go inside." "Subtitles, too often function as metacommentary on a main title, further explaining or elaborating on it."

 

Introductions (Voice of Reason):  From Porter's (2002) Voice of Reason: Fundamentals of Critical Thinking:  "In writing an essay, [you] should summarize [your] argument in the introduction and articulate [its] structure so the reader is prepared for [your] exposition." After your introduction, you "can develop the argument in the body of [your] essay, clearly indicating what [you] are arguing for and why [you] are arguing it." 

 

Introductions: Other than supplying the reader with the barest amount of information needed to understand the thesis, and other than supplying the reader with the thesis, your first, introductory paragraph should also include what I call a roadmap.  A roadmap tells your reader, explicitly, how you will explain and defend your thesis.  It is something you say after positing your thesis, and before you begin to explain and defend it.  As such, it introduces your reader to how you will support your thesis.  And insofar as you support your thesis by considering and responding to an objection, it is sometimes (very often in fact) useful to introduce your reader to the objection you'll consider before concluding. 

 

Monopolized Introduction:  This sounds like you are only introducing your reader to just one part of your essay, as opposed to having an introductory paragraph that introduces your reader to the main parts of your entire essay. 

 

Introduction Detail: From the They Say, I Say composition textbook:  "It is generally best to summarize the ideas you're responding to briefly, at the start of your text, and to delay detailed elaboration until later." "The point is to give your readers a quick preview of what is motivating your argument, not to drown them in details this early." The point here is that you need to summarize the conversation you're entering into in your introduction.

 

No Thesis on 1st Page:  Where is your thesis?  After having read the first page, I find no thesis.  This worries me.  In an essay as short as this one, the thesis needs to be up front and explicit. 

 

Big Thesis:  This is a lot to argue in such a short essay.  Remember, you'll have to support each of these claims fully. 

 

Thesis Detail:  I need to know not just what you'll argue, but also how you'll argue.  More detail in your thesis, however brief, is needed.  Sometimes, the shorter the essay, the more detailed your thesis needs to be.  Your thesis statement needs to include evaluative terms to show that it is the conclusion to your argument, and a brief explanation as to why you are making that argument. From Porter's (2002) Voice of Reason: Fundamentals of Critical Thinking:  "In writing an essay, [you] should summarize [your] argument in the introduction and articulate [its] structure so the reader is prepared for our exposition." 

 

Not Argumentative:  I don't think that your essay was properly argumentative. 

 

Multiple Arguments:  In such a short essay, I need to see one sustained argument.  Insofar as you have more than one argument, you've painted yourself into a corner, so to speak.  By presenting so many small arguments, you've taken from yourself the space you need to support one argument, which is all that a short essay like this one can do. 

 

Merely Agreeing: Just agreeing with the author does not count as acceptable evaluation, if it does not include critical evaluation.  Critical evaluation would pose an objection to the thesis agreed with, and then a possible response to that objection.  Such evaluation doesn't merely repeat what the author writes.  If you have a similar thesis to someone else, make sure that you support it with your own premise.  Likewise, if you share a premise with someone else, make sure that you use it to support your own thesis.  Either way, you need an original argument. 

 

Beliefs/Opinions:  I can't grade opinions, feelings, or beliefs, only arguments.  I can only grade your capacities to carry on an argument, not what your beliefs are.  This doesn't mean that I don't want to hear what you have to say, only that I need to hear what you have to say when it is formulated as an argument. 

 

Fragment: This is not a complete sentence; consider adding it to the end of the sentence that preceded it.  Perhaps you can experiment with drafting sentences on their own lines (not clustered together in a paragraph) so that you can check each one for completeness.  Once you see that you have complete sentences you can then cluster them into a paragraph.  (Incidentally, doing it this way helps you see whether or not you need to add things between sentences to connect them before you cluster your sentences into a paragraph format.) 

 

1st Names:  Use authors' first and last names the first time you mention them, and then only last names (unless you have multiple authors with the same last name). (This doesn't apply to the works cited page, or the bibliography.) 

 

Citation:  Citation?  From the prompt: "If you submit someone else's ideas, words, or phrases, cite those individuals according to the conventions of some mainstream guideline, like those set out in the Chicago Manual of Style or the MLA Handbook."  In some instances, failing to provide a citation constitutes plagiarism, so be careful.  Go to http://libguides.piercecollege.edu/citation for excellent information on citing.

 

Define/Explain:  You need to define, and then go on to explain, such key notions. 

 

Not Properly Explained:  This is not properly explained (assuming it needs to be in your essay in the first place). 

 

Unexplained Uses:  If you are going to bring this point up, you need to explain it, however briefly.  Without such an explanation, you seem to be assuming that your reader already knows what you need to explainÐbut that is not a safe assumption.   

 

Good to Bring Up:  This is good to bring up, assuming it needs to be in your essay given your thesis. 

 

Relevant?:  How is this information relevant?  If it is relevant, you need to explain why it is.  If it is not, then omit it from your essay as I don't think you have the space to give this type of irrelevant/superfluous information. Here's the point: just because something may be correct is not enough of a reason to include it in your essay.  Your thesis is the reason something belongs in your essay, and everything you put in your essay must be relevant to getting your reader to understand your thesis, and be persuaded to agree with your thesis.

 

Unsupported Claims:  Claims like this need to be supported, not merely asserted.  Without supporting your claims, you do not have an argument, and arguments are what I need to see. 

 

Sweeping Generalizations:  Such sweeping generalizations are frequently too difficult to prove and so should often times be avoided. 

 

Example/Analogy Use:  When using examples/analogies in arguments you need to explain which parts of the example/analogy are relevant to your argument, how the use of the example/analogy proves some point of the argument, and whether or not there are parts of the example/analogy that are not relevant to your argument. 

 

Example Before Argument:  Before you give me an example, you should give me the argument or concept that the example is supposed to be an example of so that I know that you understand it. 

 

Bland Quote Introduction:  From the They Say, I Say composition textbook: "In introducing summaries[, quotes or paraphrases], try to avoid bland formulas like 'he talks about,' 'she says,' or 'they believe.' Though language like this is sometimes serviceable enough, it often fails to reflect accurately what's been said."

 

LOST: With regards to the structure of your essay, I feel lost. 

 

Paragraph "Take-Away": And what is your reader supposed to think as a result of reading this paragraph?  Here is a related thought from the They Say, I Say composition textbook: "The longer and more complicated your text, the greater the chance that readers will forget what ideas originally motivated itÐno matter how clearly you lay them out at the outset. At strategic moments throughout your text, we recommend that you include what we call 'return sentences.'" 

 

Quote Frame:  From the They Say, I Say composition textbook:  "Frame Every Quotation" From what we've seen, quotations require framing. "[P]resent [quotations] in a way that makes their relevance and meaning clear to your readers."  Introduce the quotation; "use language that accurately reflects the spirit of the quoted passage."  Present the quotation.  Explain the quotation; the "follow-up statements should explain why you consider the quotation to be important and what you take it to say." 

 

Quotes: Finding the correct quote can be exhilarating, but putting it into your paper may not be necessary.  Finding the quote, and putting it into your paper is easy, but paraphrasing that quote is difficultÐbut also very rewarding.  Most importantly, it shows that you understand the quote.  When you must quote, you must also provide your reader with your interpretation of what that quote means (as quotes can mean different things to different people). 

 

Paraphrasing Over Quotes: Paraphrasing is, in general, better than quoting.  Here is a good, general guide for when to paraphrase instead of quoting:  if you can convey the same information in your own words without loss of meaning, then a paraphrase is usually better.  Readers of your paper tend to understand you better than they understand academic articles.  When grading your papers, graders need to see that you understand what it is that you are representing.  If you can properly paraphrase passages, then it shows your grader that you understand the material better than someone who can only find the correct passage and quote it.  And if a paraphrase won't do, whenever you quote, you should also explain the quote to the reader, to help them understand it (and to show your grader that you yourself understand the quote).

 

Quoting is usually necessary when:

1) attributing something controversial to the person quoted,

2) you are pointing out something that is too easily overlooked,

3) your entire thesis depends on particular wording, or

4) there just is no better way of expressing the thought. 

Unnecessary quoting occurs, in my mind, when it seems like:

1) you have nothing to say and so are throwing in quotes,

2) you are using long quotes to fluff up your essay, or

3) you are afraid to commit to a paraphrase, when a paraphrase would convey the same information.

 

Too Short:  It is possible to pull off such a short essay, but it will have to be very well argued. 

 

Too Long:  Your essay exceeds the length standard. 

 

No Objection/Response: Per the prompt, you need to consider an explicit objection to your argument and then respond to it.  As I have advised in class, consider putting the objection to your argument in its own paragraph so that you make sure it is fully argued for.  Then have your reply in its own paragraph so that you are more likely to have a fully developed response. 

 

Objection Without Argument: Your objection deserves an argument.  As I have advised in class, consider putting the objection to your argument in its own paragraph so that you make sure it is fully argued for.  Then have your reply in its own paragraph so that you are more likely to have a fully developed response.

 

Objection Without Enough of Argument: Your objection deserves more of an argument.  As I have advised in class, consider putting the objection to your argument in its own paragraph so that you make sure it is fully argued for.  Then have your reply in its own paragraph so that you are more likely to have a fully developed response. 

 

Too Many Objections: When you present your reader with a possible objection you want the objection to sound persuasive, and the best way to make it sound persuasive is to provide an argument for why it is a good objection.  As I have advised in class, consider putting the objection to your argument in its own paragraph so that you make sure it is fully argued for.  Then have your reply in its own paragraph so that you are more likely to have a fully developed response. This means that you don't really have room to consider more than one objection.  Instead of two or more objections half argued for, you should have one objection fully argued for. 

 

Apostrophes General: You have an apostrophe issue here.  Consult this website to get clear on when to use, and when not to use, apostrophes:  http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/apostro.asp .  Note: I will try not to comment on this issue despite it possibly appearing again in your paper.

 

Comma:  Consult the following comma rules: http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/commas.asp .   Note: I will try not to comment on this issue despite it possibly appearing again in your paper.

 

Capitalization: Consult the following capitalization rules: http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/capital.asp  Note: I will try not to comment on this issue despite it possibly appearing again in your paper.

Distractions: (I am going to try not to give any further comments on spelling/grammarz so I can focus in on the substance of your essay.  You need to work on fixing your spelling/grammatical errors even though I will try not to comment on them.) 

 

Comma:  Consult the following comma rules: http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/commas.asp .  Note: I will try not to comment on this issue despite it possibly appearing again in your paper.

 

Conclusions: In your conclusion, you can consider what could possibly be concluded, supposing that your thesis has been defended.  Sometimes it is in the conclusion that you show the reader why your thesis is interesting.  Instead of looking exclusively backwards and reporting on what you've done, look a little forward and explain to your reader how they can think differently if your thesis is in fact correct.  The place to say what you do in your essay is the introduction.  In your conclusion, you can speculate what further conclusions could be true (or not) if your thesis becomes a premise for a different argument.